Alcoholism is a progressive disease that destroys lives.
For alcoholics, the long-term effects are dangerous and debilitating. Damaged personal relationships, poor job performance and job loss, poor life decisions, and the propensity for drug use and more can stem from the disease.
But as much as alcoholics suffer from their disease, the fact is that alcoholism has a far more insidious aspect.
“It’s a family disease,” said Amy, a member of the Saanich Al-Anon group. “I’ve heard it said that for every alcoholic out there, some 14 other people will suffer from the consequences of their disease.”
It was that realization that led to the founding of Al-Anon back in 1951, a full 16 years after the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous.
“People eventually figured out that people who are affected by alcoholics have their own kind of crazy going on because they get trapped into trying to control the alcoholic in their lives,” Amy said. “What Al-Anon shows us is that all you can control is yourself and how you respond to the situation.”
Al-Anon does not purport to provide solutions for the alcoholic in one’s life. The focus of the organization, rather, is to provide a path for those affected by the disease that will make them able to cope with the hand they’ve been dealt. According to Amy, it’s a way to find the pieces of oneself that were lost to the addiction of others and find a way to gather those fragments and rebuild.
“When I first came to Al-Anon, I was really pissed off because no one told me how to stop the alcoholic. That’s what I needed … or so I thought,” said Amy. “But I learned that the focus is to learn to step back and control our reactions to the alcoholic.”
That’s accomplished by gathering with others who, in one form or another, share your problems and listen to their stories.
“If I listen to 14 people sharing their stories, I can tease out what can work,” added Amy.
Leslie, another Al-Anon member, has been coming to meetings for more than 40 years. Her husband is an alcoholic and was already attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings before Leslie sought help of her own.
“I didn’t initially realize how I’d been affected by living with an alcoholic. It was his AA sponsor that originally took me to an Al-Anon meeting because they could see that I was really not doing well,” Leslie said. “It had affected my relationship with other people as well and I had a lot of anger … a lot of repressed feelings.”
Through sharing her story and hearing the stories of others, Leslie began to realize that her own empathy towards others had diminished.
“I’d heard that alcoholism was a disease, but I didn’t buy it. I could go out and have two drinks and stop. He couldn’t and I was thinking, ‘What is your problem?’" Leslie said. “I realized over time that he couldn’t. He had lost that power of choice.
"The program absolutely worked for me," added Leslie. "One of the things that you lose is that sense of yourself, your identity. And those feeling of anger and loss affect your relationships, not just with the alcoholic, but with everyone.”
These days Leslie still attends the Al-Anon meetings in Saanich but also volunteers her time at the Al-Anon office helps as a sponsor for others in the group.
“I go to the meetings now because it’s a chance for me to give back and do something positive,” Leslie said. “And make no mistake, I still use the tools I learned there in my own life.”
Those tools are a lifesaver for Amy.
“My dad was an alcoholic. And my two sisters both died of drug overdoses. Now my brother and stepson are both alcoholics,” Amy said. “But Al-Anon taught me to deal with people with more compassion. And it changed the way I related to my son. Instead of trying to talk to him when he was drunk, we would say ‘You’re drunk. I love you and let’s talk another day.’ It’s better that way.”
“We have one meeting at Saanich Baptist church once a week, on Mondays at 1:00 pm, and there are a host of other meetings on the Island,” said Leslie. “It takes courage to take that first step, but I did, and I’ll never regret it.”
(Editor’s note: In keeping with the principles of Al-Anon, no last names are ever used by members. We have respected that principle in this article.)
